13 Oct Fun Facts about Farting
Whether they are thought of as silent and deadly or loud and friendly everyone produces them, no matter how much people like to profess they don’t! So, do what so many people seem to do – wherever you may be, let your fart flow free.
According to a good authority (Wikipedia!), farting is just a normal part of your digestion and reflects the bacterial activity in your bowel; you know, the many miles of your poop tubing in your abdominal cavity. You fart every day, or you should do, and this is ok. However, excessive farting, also known as flatulence, is not and should been seen to. My dear P-i-C, I’m making you a doctor’s appointment ASAP!
And I’m putting up my hand to confess I fart, as much as I’d like to pretend I’m a lady and don’t … fart that is. I do try my best, however, to stop a fart from escaping, even if it’s detrimental to my own health and safety. I hope to wait until I can let it out in the only place I consider it should be freed … in the toilet. But not in a public toilet, unless it’s empty or the hand dryer is blowing sufficiently loud to drown it out. I like to be private about farts; however, my body now seems to have a mind of its own, especially at the most inappropriate time. Here my derrière decides to become a bugler delivering the Last Post; in full and with an extended last note. So, all I have left to do is to pray, with the desperation of Sister Bertrille, that I don’t follow through; that the goods train doesn’t leave the station before the conductor rings the bell … if you know what I mean. How embarrassing would that be! Back to being a baby and shitting your pants!
Anyway, I decided I’d look at the lighter side of letting fluffy off the chain and find out some interesting information about the howling easterly that blows from our bowels.
- The average person farts between ten and twenty times a day. My P-i-C appears to be a chronic overachiever as he bellows out long and loud whenever he can, no matter where he is or what company he is keeping He’s a legend in his own lunchbox!
- There have been ‘controlled studies’ about farting from the surprisingly hugh amount of bacteria that lives in our colon and feeds on the food we eat. WTF? Could I have made money by offering P-i-C as a lab guinea-pig? If the truth be known, after a day of his farts, they’d probably pay me to take him home.
- We produce somewhere between 500 and 1,500 millilitres of gas daily, which is the equivalent of a litre bottle of soda. My gold star man is now trying to capture his; aiming to produce twice the amount … every single day. What a hero!
- Apparently, ninety-nine percent of the gas we produce does not smell. They obviously haven’t smelt one of P-i-C’s farts. Eye-watering doesn’t do it justice. Let’s just say Donald Trump would no longer complain about wearing a mask. He would be asking for the latest, whizz-bang, full gas-mask available to the military if he got of whiff of one of P-i-C’s foul bowel bubbles!
- The potent stink, rather than the hydrogen, carbon dioxide and methane which are odorless and the bulk of farts, can be attributed to the compounds with sulfur in them, such as hydrogen sulfide. Believe it or not, one experiment involved two people judging the smelliness of farts of sixteen people who’d been fed fart food, collected with the aid of ‘gas-tight Mylar pantaloons’. P-i-C is still ‘spewing’ he wasn’t invited to be one of the farters! He’s very competitive at heart and would have upped the percentage of smelly farts.
- Chewing gum and drinking carbonated drinks (Coke or Pepsi) makes you fart more. Thank goodness P-i-C doesn’t chew or consume many gaseous drinks; our earth has enough problems with pollution without him adding even more to it. His arse should have the skull and cross-bones tattooed on it as a warning to others that obnoxious gas is about.
- There’s a simple reason why you don’t mind the smell of your own farts. It is a scientific fact we become comfortable to smells over time, and this includes our own farts. Now I understand why he always says “It doesn’t smell” when I’m desperately crawling across the floor, turning an ever-darker shade of green, as I try to get away from his pungent odour.
- Lastly, you can light a fart on fire because it’s partly composed of the flammable gases of methane and hydrogen. Excuse me a minute while I go hide the matches … you can probably guess P-i-C would like to test out that theory!
So, what can I do to help P-i-C reduce the amount of toxic gas he lets out into the atmosphere?
- Avoid foods that cause farting. Yeah … nope. Unlikely in his lifetime as he likes most of them: cabbage, broccoli etc!
- Eat smaller, more frequent meals during the day. Yeah … nope. He only heard more frequent meals and is smiling at the idea of more fart-fuelling food.
- Eat and drink more slowly. Yeah … nope. Before I came along, he’d had sixty-five years of practicing being the first to finish his food, so I don’t like my chances of changing his behaviour of race-eating!
- Exercise regularly to prevent gas build-up in the digestive tract. Yeah … nope. He already exercises daily and the gym owner and patrons are complaining as it is; fumigation and air fresheners are costing a mint!
- Over-the-counter fart remedies. Yeah …nope. He thinks chewing mints is included in that. Little does he realise it’s actually adding to his frequency of farting!
- Avoid carbonated beverages including beer and sodas. Yeah … nope. That’s just un-Australian. Captain Morgan needs his mate, Coke. “No way, won’t consider it, ain’t gonna happen!”
So it looks like I’m stuck with loving a man who farts like a trouper … or a trumpeter, but I’m ok with that. He’d win gold for Australia if it was an Olympic event, so there’s always hope something good will come from all his farting practice!